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Dec. 19th, 2007 | 04:33 pm
location: my bed
mood: exhaustedexhausted
music: stop and stare-one republic

Becca posted an entry a little while back and it made me think about my current situation.

I've been dating josh for a little over 6 months now and its gotten to a point of we can keep doing different things together but we both sit at the same point sometimes of wow...if i wasnt still living at home, we'd have probably made that step to move in together.

yes. i graduate this year...but as of right now, i dont know where that will bring me. i dont know if college is number one on my list right now. ive gotten so restless being young and being stuck in school when im ready to leave. im ready to graduate. im stuck in a rut on account of feeling as if its time to grow up. what am i doing? where am i going? what will come next? all questions that constantly plague my mind everyday.

ive recently realized maybe im restless because of not having a show...maybe its the fact that all im doing is dancing that i just feel useless. this time last year id just completed love heals, i was in the middle of doing a perfect fall, i had callbacks for tommy and i was so proud of where i stood.... right now all im doing is taking random dance classes, some voice lessons, and going to school..... how can i be proud of myself when i feel like im in such a static point? im so frustrated because i know im in a static place which causes the few things im doing to get static as well...

i feel incomplete as a dancer, im missing something....i want to be so amazing, i want it to fill my body, my mind, and my heart all over ago but i dont know how to fix it.

i started to take advantage of the relationship i have with josh...i realize that maybe its all because so much of it is good...there was no frustration for such a long time, is it the fact that i have found someone so perfect for me that i worry about it collapsing and disappearing beneath me? i love him. i am in love with him. we have overcome and gotten through so much.... i dont want to lose him....im so scared.

is it being scared that's causing the static in my life? not just being scared with josh because im starting to overcome it....but being scared of what next year will bring...or what it wont. i dont know if i want to take a leap into a dark future...because who will be waiting there for me? what will be waiting for me in my future? what will college bring? but more importantly, what will college take away from me?

i want to be so many things...so when do i find out whats going to happen next?

today was one of the scariest days ive ever had, all at once i didnt know what to do anymore....but i dealt with it. if i can deal with what i dealt with today, then shouldnt the rest fall into place?

when do i get what i want?
when does the one thing that i want more than anything for the rest of my life fall into place?

and furthermore, i am so happy with myself....happy that ive started to grow up, happy that ive started to mature, happy that my senior year may turn out okay. i have tried to surround myself with the people who will make me the happiest...and when fake people have walked into my life, ive tried to kick them right back out.

i just have so many questions....will they all get answered soon? and how do i go about them the best way possible?

i just want to do this all right...i dont want any regrets...ever.

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from: ine_the_bean
date: Dec. 20th, 2007 01:25 am (UTC)
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i love you. even though i don't really know half of what you're talking about lol, somehow i know exactly what you're going through and how completely unsettling it can feel. I'm here for ya, madge, and i can't wait to spend time together this winter!

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from: mormongirl7
date: Dec. 20th, 2007 05:50 am (UTC)
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"to take a leap into a dark future."
That phrase, it...it makes me think. I've never thought of it that way before but that's how I feel. It's an amazing phrase. I don't know how or where you came up with it, but it's good stuff. And you know very well that I don't give false compliments. Especially when it comes to writing, seeing how I consider myself somewhat of a writer.
Fryman, I really do believe that everyone feels this way their senior year. I felt it, Abbi CERTAINLY felt it. I don't have any advice for you because I'm trying to work through this same problem myself. I do love you. No matter how much I make fun of you I've always loved you. I hope you find solace in you ending decisions.

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